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When all the tears have fallen and all the things said are done. I sit to reclaim what i am .. i refuse to be hurt and refuse to be fucked with .

i can not stress enough how stupid those people are who choose to do it . I dont take kindly to people hurting me or others i care about which to be honest isnt very many people .. i do not know what i wish to do yet i have to wait until everything is clear but i know even if it turns out to be the worst or the things i hope arent true are i know ill be fine i have something dear to me and thats all i need

so many things on my mind and no one to talk to abut them i know this because they will never understand .. i am tiered of this game and im tiered of feeling hurt and in second place or compared to others it pisses me of and i shouldnt have to feel like this and i cant feel like this and try to raise my son i jsut dont know what to do or where to go too i have so much hate, anger,pain, and confusion right now i jsut dont know if i will ever understand this but i hope one day soon i will and then i can better myself and whats good for my son.

LIES ALL FUCKING LIES I AM SOOO ENRAGED AND THIS WILL BE DELT WITH!!!!!!! TO THINK THAT THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH IT WHAT A FUCKING JOKE BUT I WILL MAINTAIN THINGS WILL COME OUT SOON ENOUGH!!!

only 7 more days till im back home man i cant wait to get there i feel like i have been waiting an eternity to get back but im doing what i gotta do to be with my man and to see my family i still have a few things to do before i leave but pretty much everything is set up so now its a waitign game lol but its all good i dont mind waiting because what i have to come home to is definatly worth it :) but anyhoo ill go for now but i jsut felt like writting a little bit

points finger at the people that im pissed at and says fuck you ,fuck you ,fuck you.. your cool points at a friends, and fuck you

i have heard the phrase "more than words to show me how you feel" which is an action hows this for an action* raises middle finger* becasue its how i feel right now but ill be fine later jsut dealing with stupid bullshit that i hate and wish would stop anyhoo write more when i feel like it and maybe ill have a better action

Somewhere I Belong 03:33

When this began

I had nothing to say

And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me

I was confused

And I let it all out to find/That I'm

Not the only person with these things in mind

Inside of me

But all the vacancy the words revealed

Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel

Nothing to lose

Just stuck/Hollow and alone

And the fault is my own

And the fault is my own



I want to heal

I want to feel

What I thought was never real

I want to let go of the pain I've held so long

[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]

It's gone]

I want to heal

I want to feel

Like I'm close to something real

I want to find something I've wanted all along

Somewhere I Belong



And I've got nothing to say

I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face

I was confused

Looking everywhere/Only to fin that it's

Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

So what am I

What do I have but negativity

'Cause I can't justify the

Way everyone is looking at me

Nothing to lose

Nothing to gain/Hollow and alone

And the fault is my own

The fault is my own



I will never know

Myself until I do this on my own

And I will never feel

Anything else until my wounds are healed

I will never be

Anything 'til I break away from me

And I will break away

I'll find myself today



I want to heal

I want to feel like I'm

Somewhere I belong



Notes: Originally, this started out as a sample of Chester playing acoustic guitar. Mike took the sample, replayed it, effected it, flipped it backwards, and cut it up into four pieces. Creating the main sample of the song. By the time it was finished, almost a year later, the band had rewritten most of the music around the sample. On another note, Mike and Chester wrote over 30 finished choruses for this song, each time scrapping the last one in search of something better. They eneded up recording the final version one week after the rest of the album was finished, in the studio where they were mixing.

hopefully just a little bit longer and ill be home finally to be with my man and my friends that i have missed so much its gettign harder to deal with all the stress up here my family and things that they say are always running threw my mind but the things that keep me going is the thougths of being back with my mate and seeing him hold and love our son i miss that i miss seeing the two of them together and i miss his touch i miss everything about him even his anger lol theres so much i love about him and not as many words to explain it we keep eachother strong where i fall he catches me and when he falls i catch him we balance eachother out so perfectly at times and sometimes we but heads but in the end he holds me at might or threw out the day and tells me he loves me i know we will be ok and i know things will work out the way they should i just have to be patient and it wont be much longer a week at most i think by the first week in may i think is when ill be leavign im still waiting to hear from my friend who is helping me out on gettign back home this woman and her hubby have been so good to me and i have so much that i would love ot say jsut tryign to find the words to put it into but i jsut know that everything will be ok i tell myself that everyday when i think things are at there worst but i jsut felt like writtign and gettign some of the stuff in my head out ill do more another time when i need to :)

what happens when your afraid to do what your heart tells you?..what happens when you know you will hurt those close to you?..... and what happens when you take the biggest risk not knowing the out come of things or if things will be ok?..

shes so angry but i just wish she would understand and be more supportive she left again tonight without a word i hate that she is so upset about this it is my desicion not hers why cant she jsut love me and respect what i want to to and like i said support me in it i know that i will be ok and she seems to think that she will never see us again and that im not going to be safe and that i wont be ok but i know i will be i jsut wish i could make her understand things are so hectic right now we are dealing with alot and i feel like i have to be the rock becasue i cant afford to fall apart right now its hard but i have to do it for my family and im ok with that im hoping things will be ok and i wont have to worry when i leave becasue i am afraid that if this things that will be taking place doesnt go well that things will fall apart and ill have to be the one to try to keep them together and to stop it from falling i jsut dotn know anymore im so stressed out i have way too much on my mind to handle right now and i cant jsut cry becasue i have to take care of my son so i have to push everything deep inside and keep going not an easy task but it has to be done

i wish to help but it sucks when you are stuck someplace and you have to wait i hate hearing you upset or that you are fighting i wish that you were happier and that i was there with you to comfort you more threw this shit that is happening but i know things will work out for us and we will be ok. together we can do anything jsut keep your head up and ill be home soon and things will be fine i promised you and i plan to keep it no matter what i will take care of my family this is somethign that is mine and im not lettign anything happen to the two of you and i wont let anything bring us down i love the both of you too much to just give up or think the worst we will make it .. i love you baby and like i said before im with you all the way

like pieces of a puzzle love will always bring you something that fits although you will go threw life searching for the one that finally does but eventually you find it or it finds you....



sorry it jsut came to mind so i had ot write it lol.. oh my today has been long already i got up at about 4:30 and havent been back to bed but anyhoo im finding it hard to sit down with my mom and let her know everythign that is going on i most likey will once im filled in on everything i know this will hurt her and be very hard for her but i hope she understands that there isnt anythign i cant do and like my mate wrote me last night he said i love you baby and i know we will make it we can do it... together theres nothing we cant do. that made me feels really good and it was good to hear that from him even though he is right we can do it and we'll be fine it jsut made me smile and feel really good about everything but anyway i should get going hes up again and time to get the bottle lol

sleep deprevation.. its such a beautiful thing lol im amazed that i have lost so much sleep and havent got insane yet lol and i swear my son knows everytime im about to lay down and get some rest becasue he always wakes up and fusses and then it takes me forever to get him back to sleep but oh well its ok lol..i just tried to get back to sleep and couldnt the phone kept ringing but i didnt mind it so bad becasue it was my mate if it wasnt him i would have not answered but i try to talk to him as much as possiable so everytime he calls i always tell my mom to wake me up but sometimes she doesnt only because she thinks i need to sleep well im startign to gt the hang of not having it i think in total i have sleep 5 hours so far since last night and today so im doing alright lol man i cant wait to get home it will feel so good to be back there adn to see everyone i have missed for so long it almost feels like ive been gone for years when in fact its been like 6 months or something like that but anyhoo jsut rambaling because i have nothing better to do until he gets up again lol yay cant wait.. anyhoo ill probably write more later...

well i have some good news i should be back in VA next month im very excited im just hoping that everything works out so i can go back home i have been away for far too long and theres much i need to do when i get back so im hoping and praying for things to work out but anyhoo update on baby hes doing great and he loves to make sure i dont sleep good lol.. but its all good i love him so hes worth losing sleep over ... i put pics of him in my profile and im sure ill be adding alot more when i get them all done im so glad i have him i couldnt have asked for anything better .. but anyhoo wish me luck because i need it lol and i wouldnt be going anywhere if it wasnt for a very good friend swteternity she has been so good to me and i will repay her for everythign she has done her and her hubby are forever in my heart and mind i have never had someone be this nice or concerned and it feels good to know that people care for me adn my child liek she does so swteternity if you read this thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul and dont be shy to ever ask for help if you need anything i will do my very best to help you in anyway i can love Lady Jay

wow tonight was kinda hard but i had fun i dropped the baby off at a sitter for a few hours i felt so empty with out him lol..but it was kinda nice jsut to have some mee time and to have some fun someone bought me a drink in congrats to having the baby and my mom got me a shot so it was kinda nice but i was very happy to get him back and ot hold him and see him lol i love my son more that life itself hes my world .. :) anyhoo i talk to my mate tonight he sounded so sleepy but he was watching a movie and didnt want to go to bed till it was over lol hes goofy i told him to go to sleep but he didnt want to .. but he called me quite a few times but i loved it everytime i get to hear his voice it brings a smile to my face even if we are fighting lol kinda silly but true i love him as much as i love my son thier my two faveorite boys wouldnt trade them for anything :).. i hope that i will get to return home soon i miss havign my little family together and cant wait to have it back.. i miss my mate i miss everything about him and i think of him all the time everyday but ill see him soon but anyhoo just thought id write a little before goign to bed :)

i keep getting pushed and pushed but i am unsure of how much more i will take i feel very unstable and im trying so hard to maintain and bite my tounge but im not sure how much more i can take before i snap i just dont know what to do and because of love im trying harder than i ever have for something or someone

im so sad again ...an im physicaly and emotionaly drained last night the baby woke up every hour and jsut cryed so i got no sleep which bothers because i feel like shit even more than i did before .. im sad because im alone again now i have to sit and wait to beable to go back home i hate this i wish things were easier but they arent so much shit is going on people talking shit , my sister being irritating and my man leaving and thats just the cherry on the cake theres so much more now and it keeps getting worse i have to be honest im a little worried about my self i cant get depressed right now that just wouldnt help things at all and im scared that if shit keeps going the way its going im in for some hard times but im trying to stay positive and not let my problems get the best of me but im tiered and not doing so well..

yesterday was the hardest day for me i said good bye to my mate and watched his bus leave until i couldnt see it anymore i cried so much he says that hes going to get me back home soon and do whatever it takes to get me and the baby home i just hope i do not have to wait very long he made a comment that shocked me very much we were talking about how i was going to get back down there and how we were going to get the baby stuff that we needed because he said the leave some of the stuff here well i need those things lol like the crib and changing table pretty much the big important stuff is what i would have to leave here and he said that he would sell his car i said no you need your car and he said i can get another one.. rather this happens or not that made me feel good hearing that because anyone who knows him would know how much he loves his car and how much he wouldnt give it up for anything it was a good feeling to know that hes willing and already has givin up alot to be with his son i hate what he has had to go threw to be here and i hate that people just couldnt be understanding or anything but he still came knowing what he could lose and what he did lose i love this man very much and do not wish to lose him he is a wonderful daddy and hes good to me and i love how we are together it just fits there isnt anything i wouldnt do for him or my son this is my little family and i love it i love how it feels when the three of us and cuddleing or watching tv or whatever i jsut love how it feels and cant wait to feel it again i will miss him everday hes gone i havent cried that much in a long time i laid in bed last night i could still smell him and i was waiting for him to come up the stairs and lay down with me but i knew he wouldnt because he wasnt there hes been calling to let me know where he is and that hes ok which is good to know because i worry i love him adn miss him and hope that its not long before we can hold eachother again i really feel alone and miserable again but i have to push it aside i haave things to take care of and connot seem upset my son is very smart and he knows when im upset which makes him upset so its hard to show how i feel when i cant but ill be fine like i always am... jsut counting the days till im home and in his arms again

I feel so angry yet again my family has managed to hurt someone that i not only love but care for beyond words all i asked of them was to be respectful was that too much because they havent done very well.. i dont know what to do or say i hate that they are the way they are and i hate that just because things happened the way they did.. they think they can walk all over him enough is enough he has feelings as well as anyone else and i refuse to let them get away with what they have said and done they hurt he and i both and it makes it hard for me to belive my family would do this again ...

yay i get a little break before he gets up again lol...wow i dont think that i have ever lost soo much sleep and have still been able to function correctly lol...our son is perfect to us in every way he looks so much like my mate and i hes soo beautiful i love watching my mate hold him and cuddle with him and even when they fall asleep together hes such a good daddy to him and he loves him so much i love how you can see it just by how he looks at him and the fact that he has taken lots of pictures of him its just soo cute we definatly cant get enough of our new baby ............



on the other hand today has been a little hard and very emotional for me in fact the past few days have been all i have wanted to do is cry and i have been fighting it as much as i can i cryed the other day just because my family was being kinda fucked up and it was hard for my mate and i to deal with espeacialy right now at this point... but we are dealing the best we can i still wish to cry but i wont not while hes here i want to be as happy as i cna for him i do not want him to see me upset or anything he has seen enough and i just want him to hold me like he does everday he and my son are keeping me grounded and there giving me all the right reasons not to give up that this is just a hard spot and things will get better after the things i heard today i just dont know what to do i want to help soo bad but am not sure just what to say to make things ok... but i will try my best i love him so much and will do everything i can to help him we cant wait until we get our place it wont be too long and ill be back in va and things will be as they should and we look forward to it but anyhoo i think that this is enough of my venting for now .. i have to get a bottle ready for draven he'll be hungry again but at least he eats well lol

well i had him finally lol.. sorry its been so long since i have written anything but i have been busy between spending time with my mate and givign birth to my son i'd say ive had my hands full lol.. but things have been great hes a really good baby and ryu has been a big help he keeps telling me to get him up everytime i get up but not too sure on that lol he needs his rest but i do enjoy his company very much when he gets up for me .. anyhoo the baby came out just fine painful but fine lol.. he is 6 lbs and 4 oz and was 19 inches long his name is draven james hudson morales .... i am so happy i have never felt so much at once and im loving every bit of it i must say it was worth it and id do it again :)